Although not clinically diagnosed, I know I have OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) because it somewhat runs in my family. As I am growing old it has started to take a toll on me. By definition it means, Excessive thoughts (obsessions) that lead to repetitive behaviors (compulsions). It is a tendency towards orderliness, perfectionism and great attention to detail. Symptoms vary accordingly. For most of my life I have tried to keep it a secret or not let anybody know of the intensity of my problem. As days are going by, it has started to take a toll on my daily activities and I feel helpless. I want it to stop but my mind plays it's tricks. The only way I find relief is by writing it down.
My symptoms include
Things have to be in order always. If they are not, I get sweaty and my compulsions click in.
Everything should be neat and clean. I can't even tolerate a small piece of dirt on the ground. It has gone to the extent where I sit down on the carpet removing tiny pieces by hand for minutes straight.
I hate people who tend to run late, although on multiple occasions I have been able to fight this.
Perfectionist. My hands get sweaty and my mind tickles when I see that one light in my room do not match the other or when the bed sheet do not match the pillow covers.
I have developed body insecurities. I feel that if I do not workout one day, I'll get fat or if I eat after working out, I'll become fat. I have been able to fight this, yet I struggle.
Messy environments make my stomach crumble up and I struggle to fight it.
If I am doing like say an assignment, I'll tear off the page if the line that I drew is slightly imperfect or even if a single word is wrong. Things that you won't notice gets on my nerves.
I think somewhere down the line we all have ill-abilities that makes us sick and we keep if to ourselves. But I have decided to let it out this way. Because it gives me comfort. That is what matters to me now. Most of what I do, has a lot to do with what I am struggling with. So if you are struggling with anything, let it out the way you want. The more you hold on to it, the more it gets to you.
-With Love, Neha.
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