Does crying define our love

When was the first time you cried after losing someone dear?

Yesterday one neighbour lost his life to stroke. He was not too old, maybe hovering in early 60s. He left back his wife and two kids, both grown up but not yet full adults. Very sad day, very poignant time. But it were the emotions of the wife that made me thoughtful. She was too loud, too emotive, too vocal about her loss but I did not see a tear drop from her eyes. When alive, they had fights which were audible even outside their closed doors. She used profanities against him which I am too ashamed to type. Hence a question crept into my mind, were the missing tears a true reflection of her sadness or were her words? Was it only an act she was trying to put up or was she really at a loss?

Then you know, how one question always leads to another in our human mind. So I wondered, how are we supposed to react to a loss like death in front of others? How much or less should we shed our tears so that others think that we really feel the loss of that person? Do we really need to emote to show our pain?

I lost my mother when I was 19 years old. I had just started my 2nd year in college. It was so sudden that we were not ready for it. She felt ill, we took her to the hospital and 5 days later, she was gone, just like that. No goodbyes. She couldn't even recognise me on her last day on the earth. I didn't cry. I really had no tears to shed. I stayed stoic because I knew I had to be strong for my dad. I am an only child, so I performed the rites. I chanted the mantras, did the mukhagni, immersed her ashes into the holy Ganges but I was not made to shave my head because I am a girl. Ok to that. I followed all the intructions and rituals in a calm and systematic way. Everyone said, Gargi cry, but I simply couldn't. Didn't I love my mother enough?

All the adults decided that I should rejoin back college. My mom would have wanted me to study on. I listened to them again. All my friends knew by then of my loss and they all came to show their concern. But I had no words to say. What do u really reply to someone who says that 'Gargi, I am so sorry for your loss!' Of coursr they meant well, but what could I reply.

Then 5 days after rejoining college when we all sat talking and discussing life, one of my friends uttered the simple words 'that today my mum will cook my favourite fish curry'. Words very innocently uttered but which felt like blows to my heart- there will be no mom waiting for me at home anymore, there will be no warm curries for me at home anymore, there will be no mom waiting for me at the gate with her smile to welcome me back with a hug or a glass of water.

That's what made me finally realise what I had lost. That's when I shed my first tear.

Is there really a right time or right place to show your feelings for a lost beloved person?